If I had to choose the best literary work of our time, it would 100% be the hit 2008 Creepypasta Jeff the Killer.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term “creepypasta,” the work refers to a specific genre of internet horror stories, most popular circa 2010. The term comes from the word “copypasta,” which are essentially long stories or other pieces of writing that are copied and pasted all over the internet (sort of like chain mail).
From the very little information I have, some creepypastas are actually not bad. Most of them are really bad. Enter Jeff the Killer.
I read this with my friend Cali the other night and I was just… so touched by the narrative. So touched that I was compelled to illustrate just how horribly incredible (incredibly horrible?) the story was.
I laughed. I cried. Here are my top 10 lines from Jeff the Killer.
10. “I looked up and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren’t regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and… just plain out terrified me.”
In the first part of the story, we’re getting a story from a little boy who survived an attack by Jeff the Killer. This is his description of the monster.
“These weren’t regular eyes” actually sends me. What a description. Then, “and… just plain out terrified me” is such a bar from this supposedly, like, eight-year-old kid.
9. Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those “fancy” neighborhoods.
I completely forgot about this line. It’s so good. This is when we get some insight into the age of the author, as I’m 90% sure that nobody over the age of 14 would write about a family moving to a quote-unquote “fancy” neighborhood. That single word just sells the whole thing for me.
8. “Mom, why would you invite us to some kid’s party? If you haven’t noticed, I’m not some dumb kid.”
Our first quote from the mouth of not-some-dumb-kid Jeff (soon to become Jeff the Killer…)!
The child speaking this line is THIRTEEN years old. I picture him speaking in a really nasal kind of voice. Like a future Reddit moderator, if that means anything to you. Either that, or it’s Young Sheldon saying this stuff.
7. They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. “Hey, what the hell?”
Oh my God. I know this is number 7. But this might be my favorite line in the entire story. I know for a FACT that the kid writing this did an evil 14-year-old villain chuckle, saying “fuck you, Mom,” and writing the worst curse he knew (hell, obviously).
(The whole skateboard part speaks for itself. It’s just so out of the blue. I love it so much.)
6. “Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge.[…] [The skinny kid] had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since he was crawling.
Everything about this is perfect. Where did the two other kids come from? What the hell does a sidekick look like (and why is that genuinely one of the cruellest insults I’ve ever heard)? Why does Jeff hate Troy so much that he has FOUR sentences describing how fat he is? Honestly, the kid’s descriptions are more ruthless than the fact that he ends up killing people.
5. "Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.
For context, this is when the police come to Jeff’s house after he breaks skateboard boy’s wrist (with his bare hands, might I add). After the cops somehow immediately sentence Jeff to a year in juvenile detention, Liu appears at the top of the stairs, holding a knife and attempting to frame himself in order to save Jeff.
The absurdity of this scene is just so wonderful. Liu is like, eight years old. The cops are 100% ready to shoot him. Then, later in this scene, Jeff’s mom says, “‘Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, you can stop.’" WORD FOR WORD. Literally nobody cares. It’s just nonchalant bar after nonchalant bar.
4. “Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets. ‘No one interrupts or guts will fly!’ they said.”
This scene takes place when Troy, Keith (the skinny kid) and Randy (skateboard boy) meet Jeff at some other innocent kid’s birthday party. This is a good point to remind readers that TROY AND KEITH ARE TWELVE. Imagine being at your son’s birthday party and two sixth graders pull Smith & Wesson 686s out of their jeans pockets. Where did they get them? Maybe this takes place in Florida.
“Guts will fly” is an incredible line, too. This quote is number 4 on this list, but definitely in my top 3 band names.
3. “[Jeff] grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy's heart to stop.”
What a fight scene. No notes. No words, actually—This writing has me more speechless than Randy. I’ll let you question the logistics of this fatal attack on your own, as I’ve read this passage at least 20 times and still can’t comprehend it.
2. “‘Let's hope for the best,’ said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face.”
Context: At the party, after Randy was murdered, Troy (the fat kid) poured bleach and vodka all over Jeff in a very dramatic fight, then lit him on fire. Jeff has now been in the hospital for several weeks.
Can you imagine a doctor saying, “Let’s hope for the best” before revealing your permanently disfigured face? Clearly the author of Jeff the Killer could. And what an incredible line this imagination produced.
1. “He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn’t know.”
As Jeff looks in the mirror at his new face, he discovers that he loves it. He even spits the bar, “I’ve never felt more happy! [...] This face goes perfectly with me!”
The author takes their sweet time to explain his reaction to us. The narrative technique (“you may recall…”) and strange sentence formation sells it fully. We learn how insane Jeff is (rather, we are told. He kills his parents and brother immediately after the above passage, but the author felt the need to explain for dramatic effect), spurring off the incredible end of this incredible story.
…And that’s just a small glimpse of the wild ride that is Jeff the Killer. If these quotes haven’t convinced you already, I implore you to read this story. You can find it here, on the official Creepypasta website.
Enjoy,
Oona
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