My Opinion of You Based on Your Favorite Author

Not much intro here. This is short, sweet, roughly alphabetized, and might not meet the blog post guidelines. Is your favorite author on here? I sure hope so. I love judging people for shallow reasons. 

- Oona :)

A: Jane Austen

Middle-aged white mother realness! You were probably forced to read Little Women when you were little and then got gifted a sewing kit by your weird traditional grandmother who was afraid of microwaves and washing machines.

B: Simone de Beauvoir

Oh, you’re that kind of girl. I would bet my life you have a Substack blog where you talk about how unique you are for having read every 2014-tumblr-girl author from Beauvoir to Plath. I bet you’ve been idolizing Joan Didion from the second you used Google Gemini to summarize read Magical Thinking. Wow, you’re so special.

D: Osamu Dazai

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you watched that one anime and were FLOORED the second you opened No Longer Human. Poor kid. You’re gonna need some eye bleach. I cried both times I read that book, and I don’t know how someone could be masochistic enough to be a Dazai…fan? Enjoyer? Nothing about his work is enjoyable. He’s a master of his art, though—good on him. I guess.

F: Gillian Flynn

Wow, you REALLY like reading the exact same book over and over and over! I mean… That’s commitment, I guess. 

G: Neil Gaiman

“Let’s get you back to the nursing home, Grandpa,” is what I resist the urge to say to you every single time you speak. No judgement. Middle-aged white dad realness this time, though definitely not married to the aforementioned MAW mother (see Jane Austen). But please, please don’t tell us a weird story from college that has to do with Pavement or Dinosaur Jr. 

H: Homer

You’re lying. Either you’re lying, or you’re Mr. Lauthen.

J: James Joyce

Your favorite book is not Ulysses. It’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. I’m putting all my money on that—If you’re annoying enough to choose James Joyce as your favorite author, you’re definitely annoying enough to choose the slightly lesser-known of his three most popular books (the third being Finnegans Wake). It’s one thing for Portrait to be your favorite book, but… James Joyce? FAVORITE author? I mean… come on. 

K: Stephen King

You’re okay! I mean… You scare me. A lot. And you probably read very, very fast. But hey, I’m not judging!

K: Jeff Kinney

INSUFFERABLE elementary/middle school-aged boy. You know more slurs than I know existed, and you can say absolutely none of them. But that doesn’t stop you. You were one of the assholes throwing stuff at the screen during the Minecraft Movie. 

L: Ursula K. LeGuin 

Hell yeah, son. You know your shit. My heart goes out to you. I’d trust you with my drink. LeGuin, if you don’t know (heathen) is the OG J.K. Rowling. Objectively better. As a person, as an author. When I have kids, I am not letting them anywhere near that Harry Potter ass shit. Tales of Earthsea all the way. 

M: Cormac McCarthy

Either you’re an old, white-haired weird man, or you’re Oona Joyce (kidding, he’s not my favorite author. Jeff Vandermeer takes my number one spot with his collection The Third Bear). 

M: Henry Miller

You’re a little freak. What you truly want is to read 50 Shades without being publicly shamed—but alas, all you can do is whip out Tropic of Cancer and somehow keep a straight face while reading the word “cunt” at least 70 times on one page. 

M: Haruki Murakami

Again, you’re a freak. Murkami is an artist—I’m not saying anything against that. I can see how someone would view a few sex scenes as necessary for setting the tone and atmosphere of his work, but… The sheer number of blowjobs. Why? Maybe I just don’t get it. 

N: Vladimir Nabokov

Once again! You’re either a freak (pedophile), freak (read Pale Fire) or freak (misguided anorexic teenage girl). Oh, Vlad. That poor man was an INSANELY prolific writer, but of course we all only think of one book when we think of Nabokov (unless you’re one of the previously-mentioned second-degree freaks. I’m not going to talk about Pale Fire because I am not going to pretend I have read or understand it. If you’re feeling quirky, go read it—I don’t care. Just don’t talk to me after that). 

Lolita. An undeniably incredible book that Nabokov should’ve kept in his notes app. We need to keep that book behind bars. Age restricted from impressionable teenage waifs, next to the Camel Lights at the gas stations—the same kind of 16-year-old bleached blonde will go for one of each. Poor Vlad just wanted to write a romance, but all these psycho hipsters would only read it if he made it about pedophilia… Rest in peace, Vladimir. You would’ve loved BookTok. 

O: George Orwell

Why are you lying? He literally wrote two books. “Erm, actually…” No, seriously. Shut up. I have never, ever heard someone talk about Orwell outside of 1984 and Animal Farm. Honestly, I’ve never heard anyone talk about Orwell outside of an eighth-grade English classroom. 

P: Sylvia Plath

I am sure there are all kinds of things inside your head, so I won’t be outright rude to you. But I think of Plath in the same way I think of Taylor Swift. Her work is a safe space and a source of inspiration for so, so many girls—But she is overhyped and I do not find her work particularly revolutionary. Important? Maybe. But of all the overrated racist white radfem women I’ve read literature from… She’s my least favorite. 

I think that depressed teenage girls deserve better feminist icons than Sylvia Plath. I always recommend Andrea Dworkin. Extremely balanced takes, but cutthroat when she needs to be. One of my favorite authors, honestly. Read Woman Hating! 

P: Terry Pratchett

Hi Elanor!

S: JD Salinger

Oh my God, you’ve read Franny and Zooey…? You’ve read Raise High the Roof Beam? I’m in love. Schedule the wedding. P.S., Salinger was kind of a diva… he could’ve been a jazz singer with that hair and all. But no, he locked the hell in and wrote unknown banger after unknown banger. And Catcher in the Rye. 

V: Kurt Vonnegut

Who let their weird long-haired dad on my blog? Welcome to the Monkey House is his best book, by the way—argue with the wall. And no, Rusted Root and Phish do NOT sound good unless you’re on enough marijuana to kill a horse. 

W: Oscar Wilde

Little gay boy. Either you are literally Steven Patrick Morrissey or you are not racist. But you’re a little gay boy.